I am so wacko right now that I did something most people who are bordering depression do. I took a trip down memory lane. I stumbled upon a blog entry I had way back December 9, 2005. In many ways, it describes what I long for at this point in my chaotic life. 

 

Here is an excerpt of that particular blog post in friendster:

“god, padalhan nio po ako ng angels nio pls… parang awa nio na po.. ipaakap nio po ako sa mga angels nio… pakihaplos po ng aking puso nang matuto po akong maging matatag pero hindi manhid… sana po hayaan nio po akong kayanin ang lahat ng ito para hindi ako higit na magkasala sa inyong mga batas. maaawa na po kayo. kahit isang akap lang po…“

 

(comment: I cannot believe I wrote like that before? ‘nio’ ? ‘god’?)

 

I think I’ve hit a point then where words seem to be just words – hollow, meaningless, impersonal. 

 

A dear mentor has commented on that particular friendster blog post. It’s a comment that put some sense in me then and more so now. It goes…

“Jel,

There is no defense for a grown-up…in becoming one or being one. In becoming one, there is always the first-time hurt, that reality is not that beautiful, that dreams DO DIE, that pain can sometimes be unendurable.

In being one, there is always that fear that what has happened will happen again, that one can be shorn of all defenses and “wisdom” and be as naked and vulnerable like in one’s youth.

Pray give understanding to those who appear grown-up but just as vulnerable and scared just like you. Pray that you have the courage to continue.

All I can say is, “This too will pass.” Remember the wisdom that we never do control the things that happen to us, but all we can do is make the best of the time that is given to us.

Smile. Because it’s free, and it does set us free.”